Finding a partner in state crime can be a long and daunting task. Dating within the leftist community could lead to some uniquely unsavory outcomes that capitalists do not need to worry about. One may find themselves face to face with a five-foot portrait of Chairman Mao above their chosen partner's bed; or, arguably worse, they may find themselves in a state penitentiary. It is essential to evaluate the flaws and merits of the leftist men one may encounter on a romantic endeavor in order to prevent these types of disasters. 

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The Revolutionary Suicidal

The Revolutionary Suicidal, even with his liabilities, is every young subversive's dream. He is mysterious, possibly due to the fact that all his photos online feature a ski mask. On a first date, one may find themselves swindled by his incredibly compassionate and caring personality. Community gardens and food drives are his forte. These traits are also transferable to his domestic partnerships; mutual aid begins in the home after all. However, due to his incredible dedication to the people and disruptive nature, he is a risky option. The Revolutionary Suicidal may find himself drop-kicking a tear gas canister past a police barrier or getting into an old-fashioned bluecoat brawl. His online photos do not feature his face for a reason. Someone pursuing this man never knows when they may need to post bail or drive a getaway car out of a roaring protest. For his unmatched intimacy skills and agitated political practices, this man is a high-risk high-reward significant other. 

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The Ted-Pilled

The Ted-Pilled can be identified by his post-left philosophy and gloomy aura. He’s very well informed on the terrible consequences of global capitalism — so much so that he has lost all faith in civilization. On a first date, he will probably go on about climate change and overpopulation with unwavering pessimism. Although he is not wrong about these issues, this fatalistic worldview seeps deeply into his day-to-day life. The Ted-Pilled is unlikely to participate in any tangible revolutionary cause or make any effort to contribute to his community; he sees any progress as inconsequential in a pre-apocalyptic world. Instead, he likely spends his free time on the internet, marinating in negativity and admiring Ted Kaczynski’s mugshot. Even putting aside his questionable ideology, he is generally a downer to be around, making him an all-around unattractive candidate. 

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The Tankie

The Tankie appears as an average, contributive citizen; however, discussing theory with him is a casus belli. “How far can the dictatorship of the proletariat go?” is a bit much for a first-date debate. He probably describes himself as a Stalinist or Marxist-Leninist. For an anarchist, these beliefs may seem distasteful. One must decide if they can form a satisfying partnership with an authoritarian apologist. This man still has a few desirable traits, though. He is probably a union steward and argues relentlessly for the rights of his coworkers. He is also still at least literate on leftist literature, which is a major relief for many young anarchists. Despite being a well-rounded citizen, the Tankie cannot be forgiven for his hierarchical ideals. 

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The Enlightened Academic

This man is a more mature, acquiescent, and cultured leftist. He is probably a traditional anarchist or Marxist and may teach classes in politics or philosophy. His knowledge and understanding of theory is unmatched, which can be equally impressive and patronizing. First date conversations may turn into night-long discussions from Kropotkin to the Ejército Zapatista de Liberación Nacional. There are typically two types of enlightened academics: One is a burnt-out and defeated Revolutionary Suicidal, and the other is a long-established pacifist. Although his wisdom is vast, his practical change resume is lackluster. Uninterested in creating a ruckus himself, he may urge his partner to stay out of trouble. One must ask themselves if the stable income they provide is enough to justify a life of domesticity. The Enlightened Academic is a very safe, but not very revolutionary choice for a partner. 

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Dating alone can be a formidable endeavor; however, dating within a leftist space presents a unique set of struggles. The perfect leftist build-a-boyfriend would have the Revolutionary Suicidal’s compassion, the Tankie’s dedication, the Ted-Pilled’s realism, and the Enlightened Academic’s wisdom. To the dismay of heart-eyed anarchists, this man does not exist. So, understanding the types of leftist men within the field will prevent uncomfortable conversations, dents in your criminal record, and, most importantly, a heartbreak.